Day 10: Reflections; Who is this boy i see!

Bullying is an insecurity. I have realised that my actions are dictations from running away from who I am. Part of the anger the silence is really just me trying to figure out who i am, there are individuals who like me but i don't want to be near them. Who am i?

I feel as if there is a huge missing piece in my life story that fills me with this premature ejaculation that is anger! I'm not angry, just really confused.

The man i have been these past ten days could have easily been a reinterpretation of my coming out story. Just being hostile i have learnt its evils and its beauty. Anger and aggression both gets you noticed but also it instills fear, doubt and questioning within the unlucky recipient of my moral sword. Leading them to a place of hostility and shame bringing out their inner bully.

Today i faced the overwhelming reality that you can't fight who you are. Throughout the day i caught myself slipping into ad libs of some pop song only i knew and i let myself sing a few lines before decimating my tongue or a colleague if closer to feel my own shame! Apart of me really liked the sense of danger or rather the bad exterior that shouted FUCK OFF!

I let go. Letting go signals some form of euphoric, subliminal inner truth that results in a journey of finding who you are but letting go isn't that. Its the look of disdain from old high schoolers or from wives and grans who  think twice before handing you their fanatics card. Letting go is a sign of giving in to all the hate and unrest around you, you forget your worth and just your truth!

I...

Day 9: Healing Times

I'm coming out, no matter which way I say it, parts of my core are seeping through this veneer and I can't wait until I can just be me again.

The struggles we go through in life are proof or being resilient and knowing who you are!

I am healing.

Day 9: Penultimate Decisions

Tuesday: 13:36pm

Only two days or one depending on how you where taught maths to go. 

There is something easier to this brief this week, maybe it's because people are understanding where I'm going with it but I can be meaner though. OH THE SAVAGE IRONY.

Today began the first part of my healing process, the bandages symbolising taking responsibility for my actions and considering the hurt that I have caused and what I can do about it. I'm in a cocoon of sorts, the metamorphise into my old but newer self has begun and there are some parts of this that I will take with me.

Wonder what it will be....  

Confessional Outrage!

Day 8: I Realized I've Been Counting My Days Wrong.

Monday: 12:30pm

This morning has been really annoying, like the old me has been trotting on the edge. Family meets, NO PAY on PAYDAY and one taxi driver who stops way too much have added the fuel and motivation to my angry state. 

I'm in full jock mode whether being rugby, soccer or hockey which of the three seem the most attainable since I did play back in the day. In true jock fashion, I decided to embrace the really "yes I know I'm one jump away from showing my man-business" short shorts. 

It's strange, I've been over pronouncing and being uber masculine but it dawned on me that you are born gay because despite my shoulder heavy, baritone ready vocals people still just see GAY! The amount of stares that I got this morning bouldering through Gateway, 85% what the hell and 15% "I want me some of that thigh"- YIP! I know the stares, I've given those!" 

For the remainder of the day I'm going to try be conversational and antagonistic to people as jock bullies usually use their bodily gains and social standing as a crux of elevation; using their perpetuated view to enforce dominance. 

Day 7: This will be the longest three days.

Sunday: 15:38pm

It has been quite a lonely day. No one wants to talk to me and when I do talk to people, they turn into the "HULK"- my job! So I have taken it upon myself to not converse with anyone whom I work with at work unless A) They approach me or B) I have to apologise.

Words are really REALLY deadlier than knives; I've learnt men don't respond positively to a bad behaviour because it unearths some hidden agenda that comes out flying like a "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon", words are too intense like we based our lives around what to say not to say and one simple joke word like "flubber" is probably the reason someone has hated the shape of their body for the past twenty years.

My life hasn't been like this since high school when the tables where "Adeled" (turned, its a song: SOME HABITS DON"T DIE HARD). I almost feel sorry for bullies because they are very isolated, both socially and emotionally. It's an unrewarding labyrinth of just hidden turmoils and manic childhood, when I look at where my bullies are now and they aren't so high and mighty. It's screwed up that there is still a little part like 2% honestly that feels in debt to them and to the people I've scarred now.

Worst part of everyday: when I get songs like "You'll Always Be Apart of Me" in my head.

Day 6: Present?

I'M TRYING TO REMIND MYSELF OF WHO I WAS OR STILL AM. I'M WATCHING IDOL & TOP MODEL TONIGHT.

I HAVE TOO KEEP SANE!