Day 10: Reflections; Who is this boy i see!

Bullying is an insecurity. I have realised that my actions are dictations from running away from who I am. Part of the anger the silence is really just me trying to figure out who i am, there are individuals who like me but i don't want to be near them. Who am i?

I feel as if there is a huge missing piece in my life story that fills me with this premature ejaculation that is anger! I'm not angry, just really confused.

The man i have been these past ten days could have easily been a reinterpretation of my coming out story. Just being hostile i have learnt its evils and its beauty. Anger and aggression both gets you noticed but also it instills fear, doubt and questioning within the unlucky recipient of my moral sword. Leading them to a place of hostility and shame bringing out their inner bully.

Today i faced the overwhelming reality that you can't fight who you are. Throughout the day i caught myself slipping into ad libs of some pop song only i knew and i let myself sing a few lines before decimating my tongue or a colleague if closer to feel my own shame! Apart of me really liked the sense of danger or rather the bad exterior that shouted FUCK OFF!

I let go. Letting go signals some form of euphoric, subliminal inner truth that results in a journey of finding who you are but letting go isn't that. Its the look of disdain from old high schoolers or from wives and grans who  think twice before handing you their fanatics card. Letting go is a sign of giving in to all the hate and unrest around you, you forget your worth and just your truth!

I...

Day 9: Healing Times

I'm coming out, no matter which way I say it, parts of my core are seeping through this veneer and I can't wait until I can just be me again.

The struggles we go through in life are proof or being resilient and knowing who you are!

I am healing.

Day 9: Penultimate Decisions

Tuesday: 13:36pm

Only two days or one depending on how you where taught maths to go. 

There is something easier to this brief this week, maybe it's because people are understanding where I'm going with it but I can be meaner though. OH THE SAVAGE IRONY.

Today began the first part of my healing process, the bandages symbolising taking responsibility for my actions and considering the hurt that I have caused and what I can do about it. I'm in a cocoon of sorts, the metamorphise into my old but newer self has begun and there are some parts of this that I will take with me.

Wonder what it will be....  

Confessional Outrage!

Day 8: I Realized I've Been Counting My Days Wrong.

Monday: 12:30pm

This morning has been really annoying, like the old me has been trotting on the edge. Family meets, NO PAY on PAYDAY and one taxi driver who stops way too much have added the fuel and motivation to my angry state. 

I'm in full jock mode whether being rugby, soccer or hockey which of the three seem the most attainable since I did play back in the day. In true jock fashion, I decided to embrace the really "yes I know I'm one jump away from showing my man-business" short shorts. 

It's strange, I've been over pronouncing and being uber masculine but it dawned on me that you are born gay because despite my shoulder heavy, baritone ready vocals people still just see GAY! The amount of stares that I got this morning bouldering through Gateway, 85% what the hell and 15% "I want me some of that thigh"- YIP! I know the stares, I've given those!" 

For the remainder of the day I'm going to try be conversational and antagonistic to people as jock bullies usually use their bodily gains and social standing as a crux of elevation; using their perpetuated view to enforce dominance. 

Day 7: This will be the longest three days.

Sunday: 15:38pm

It has been quite a lonely day. No one wants to talk to me and when I do talk to people, they turn into the "HULK"- my job! So I have taken it upon myself to not converse with anyone whom I work with at work unless A) They approach me or B) I have to apologise.

Words are really REALLY deadlier than knives; I've learnt men don't respond positively to a bad behaviour because it unearths some hidden agenda that comes out flying like a "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon", words are too intense like we based our lives around what to say not to say and one simple joke word like "flubber" is probably the reason someone has hated the shape of their body for the past twenty years.

My life hasn't been like this since high school when the tables where "Adeled" (turned, its a song: SOME HABITS DON"T DIE HARD). I almost feel sorry for bullies because they are very isolated, both socially and emotionally. It's an unrewarding labyrinth of just hidden turmoils and manic childhood, when I look at where my bullies are now and they aren't so high and mighty. It's screwed up that there is still a little part like 2% honestly that feels in debt to them and to the people I've scarred now.

Worst part of everyday: when I get songs like "You'll Always Be Apart of Me" in my head.

Day 6: Present?

I'M TRYING TO REMIND MYSELF OF WHO I WAS OR STILL AM. I'M WATCHING IDOL & TOP MODEL TONIGHT.

I HAVE TOO KEEP SANE!

Day 6: Darkest Night.

No matter what I could have chosen as my body intervention, it would be HARD!

FUCK and that is out of character, today was emotionally brutal! Almost had my ass handed to me for real, TWICE!

It's getting too real because I know my strand of bullying lingers more on the annoying side and is it getting to people and to me. Like i wanted to cry, when people avoid you because you unpleasant to be around! No way...

I reached a point where i wanted to just give this all up and just roll with whatever but I see the manic genius that is this assignment, I'm not myself and nor are people around me! I'm learning about myself through jagged dispositions of others glances and i can evaluate and criticise who I am...

I thought I had spent my life thus far doing so but alas....

Big boy shoes on!

Day 6: Clearly bullies have never met my BRU!

No matter who you are, there is a certain allure than surpasses all codes of BROhood to my friend Iron Bru (nickname). A mere glance at him kind of sends me down a teenage girl "Bieber fever" and I know flat out by the customers and fellow colleagues that I am not alone in this.Also there is something so wholesome and there is a certain youth when I see my very old but ever so cute Mrs H or the very frightly Bic (also a nickname)- I can't they too cute.

These gay guy problems are not good for bully street cred!

So i punched him, simple and klaar. On his rib cage couldn't ruin his face, only because he wouldn't have been the only one to punch me back hard. That way right now he is very pissed off at me, which works but I hate because as I have come to realise I am a bit of a people pleaser: A LOT OF A PEOPLE PLEASER.

Quick side note: By no means am I interested in my friend, I do still respect the laws of BROhood but hey got to give credit where it is due.

People are starting to avoid even if they know this is an assignment, its weighing heavier on me everyday, to the point that i have almost constructed a time frame: 06:00am-17:00pm are my bullying hours. It is very lonely, VERY QUIET and disturbing the way the mind works. 

I'm beginning to understand the merits of this assignment though but that can be realised in all its HALLELUJAH, "you passed glory" once this is over. I can't believe it is four days.

I sign off with a quote today...

"You look like a street kid"

Yip, I really do.

Day 5: Promise land awaits

Friday: All Day.

For the first time in a long time i had a day all to myself! Had no obligation to be anywhere. 

I took this in stride to beef up on my jock bully television schedule. Beginning with some Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Harry Potter & Mission Impossible. Quite the mix hey?

Okay Real Housewives, its a sad take on what is contemporary culture, watching rich people fuss over dinner parties: Satans medicine i tell you.

Harry Potter no one person can dispell the amazing-ness that is the epic finale. Did you see what i did there! Yeah it is the shit.

Mission Impossible, who doesnt need an action thriller, even if it is 20 minutes.

Today i got a chance to the regroup and just get angrier for days to come. 5 days, halfway and so far so good! Work tomorrow meaning, back to bi-polar state of mind.

Day 4: Ceremonious Applaud

"I don't like you"

"What happened"

 "You look like you have been in the wars"

"You should really do drama" 

I really like the people I work with, after an initial brazen introduction to my 10 day self, they quickly took to using my new rude attitude in their favour.

Take my manager Linda, rather than adopting a rather quizzical stance on my new behaviour, she harnessed it in favour of calling up some suppliers. Taking lemons and making lemonade, she did.

Or Mbali, who professed her undying love for me, wanting to see a sliver of my old self. She constantly wanted to give me a hug but she still merited my favour knowing deep within lies a big ole softy.

Thursday 21/03/13

12:15pm

It's my birthday today. Just as plain and simple as that sentence is, is how i feel. This whole moody attitude would have worked perfectly at home; there is something about not caring about what family says on the one day they supposed to care the most. However being at work and surrounded by the spoils of public holiday madness, meaning the store nest door is mentally destroying me one Rihanna, one Taylor Swift song at a time. Ah here is when I really wish I didn't have to do this assignment, just one day off, can't I?

Keeping the charade up is fun, sans the sleeping at home at 18:00pm because you know we bullies gotta converse our energy.

My first full day as a jock has gone with some form of difference, people seem to believe my "kick boxing" meets "rugby" stories, one lady even saying "that's just what boys do".I even used a bodily trick I have learned to master to make my eye appear swollen, which equals jackpot muhaha, plus a swollen face; yeah I'm in the money.

I love that look friends or even strangers get, that flash of "what happened here"- I think my whole altering of my disposition is working, its getting on people...

It's getting on me, isn't that the point.

Day 3: How to not lose your job.

Today saw the beginning transformation into my jock mantra for the next three days.

Tomorrow the date of my birth looms, i wish i could forget...

Maybe the world outside will!

h

Day 2: Keeping Up Appearances

I'm gaining more & more confidence in doing this brief, maybe its because the silence part, not really socialising is fun however the act of bullying is still a bit too real! 

The moments of acting like a douche have arose plenty of times yet there is a large restriction in becoming that guy and with the threat of work where I'm required to be the Disney channel everyday is partly dawning on me. I may just work in recieving, hiding at the back tomorrow. 

I tried smoking. Didn't end well. 

 Straight guy problems.

Hardest part of my day: Ignoring the class hottie.

Gay guy problems.

Day 2: Keeping Up Appearances

I didn't think it was going to be this hard...

Considering how yesterday was rather uneventful or just confusing I wanted to further commit to my role. I'm blending in better, I don't seem to get the everyday "fag" stares and men seem to be more comfortable as opposed to the threat of the "BIG GAY SIGN ON MY HEAD". 

This morning I added some personal touches that kind of had an affect. Adding a plaster and a bandage has and quote "I thought you where in a drug bust". 

Tuesday: 9:00am

Suppression.

Being mean isn't fun, after calling Devin a queerface: I wanted to crawl inside and die. But I'm beginning to sense that everyone knows its just a role and I am still me after this, which has given an edge of yeah FUCK this.

My willpower was tested when the sole song amongst others I wanted to listen too, was taunted within my ears... FUCK you Suhail. I truly appreciate it though, something about being knowing who I am and also that I'm really trying, REALLY TRYING.

Classmates singing "In The Ayer", 

...dying. 

Day 1: Public Appearances

Monday: 17:00pm

Public Appearances.

Angry Gangsta is how I identify to the world outside. I feel that I maybe taking this to seriously but I have to immerse myself deep into it to really be effective. 

All I really want to do do is listen to TROUBLE and thrust on a table. I miss that guy. 

Ah the joys. 

Throughout the day all I have been doing is correcting myself from my old-self, I started dancing, slaps myself, singing the lyrics to Trouble, slaps self.

I got home and all I did was go to sleep: no television, no music, no Spears. Exciting.

Day 1: The Morning of.

There was an anxiousness to the way I slept this morning, a part of me wanted to wake up as a completely new person but the reality of that was me waking up checking the time, 3:15am , 4:51am then realizing it's still Welile. 

The idea of me being so me is weighting heavily on me,i need to alter myself. Get punched??  

Monday: 5:00am

Act One.

Waking Up at 5am does something to you especially when you went to bed at 23:30pm. There is an anger of "Why now, just five more minutes", waking up at five didn't identify with the exterior of my body intervention but rather the mental psyche of being on edge especially when your first class is at 13:30pm. Waking up at five with the idea to go running, something prior Monday the 18th I hadn't done. Running barefoot did I mention, all these little things done to evoke some form of anger and inner hostility. 

Monday: 5:30am

Still not angry.

There was a comfort, a sense of ease to when I got ready in the morning, albeit the night before when i convinced myself not to plan my "unplanned" outfit for tomorrow. Just another healthy reminder that it is still the early stages, some habits may take longer to shake off. 

Three pant changes and one nap later I took off on my everyday journey to Vega. 

For the first time in a long time, it felt like a sense of relief not to be noticed, although dressed was I, in a hoodie, long baggy jeans, a beanie and bandana in Durban heat but it was comfortable, people walked passed and it was nice just to be unnoticed. I learnt honestly just how easy it was to blend in and just be another number within society.

Monday: 09:00am

I arrived at Vega, hot and very uneasy. There was a sense of anxious energy of whether or not I would get the "haha" reaction that in those five or few minutes gratifies your decision: it is accepted (PHEW). To say it is different is an understatement, throughout the day a part of me has drowned under the clothes wanting to help first years out, YouTube some classic pop song. I'm identified as a "gangsta" somehow my mannerisms altered and I'm going as a stereotype.

I've found it hard to truly channel a sense of anger, both fearing for my life and reputation and just not having the conviction to be that guy. Classmates have walked past and were shocked in amazement but after they see the complete get up "Welile returns in apologetic verse, making sure i'm remembered for not being a prick. I feel physically I'm there but emotionally, I'm just an actor looking for his queue.

I WANT TO GOOGLE BRITNEY SPEARS LIKE I DO EVERYDAY.

DOWNLOAD ANY SONG IN MY EVER GROWING POP NOSTALGIA LIST.

I WANT TO DO SOME RANDOM DANCE MOVE.

I MAY HAVE OVER THOUGHT THIS BRIEF.

Tomorrow sees the continuation of the "DO NOT DISTURB, HIGH VOLTAGE" bully, have i yet actually bullied someone: no! There is something about leaving a harmful word imprinted into someone, it hurts, you don't understand it, you feel like shit, yet I have to do it...

I give myself a 4/10 today... 

Goodbye, Will.

Sunday: 22:20

The Final Hours.

The Day Before: Packing the remnants of my oldself.

Sunday: 20:00

So began the packing of who the man Welile Zondi used to be. Stripped bare were my walls, covered and shut away was any reminder of the colour, the gay, the personality, that made up me. 

Initially it felt as if this was going to be an acting challenged of sorts,channelling a lot of anger that i had into this new role and for me acting is my second nature, but this was a performance where i had to forget Welile and use the anger, or "The Hulk" for 10 days.

Packing up started hitting moments of vulnerability and fear when my bedroom walls where adorned by nothing, just a reminder of what was. It almost felt as if I had died and my ghost was floating looking for a host. 

And a host did I find.